dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
