SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
