Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
