Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
