My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
