i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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