dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
