Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
