It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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