Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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