I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize