My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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