carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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