I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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