I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
