I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
