I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
