I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
