They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
