He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
