I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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