My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
