: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
