Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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