When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
