my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
