The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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