i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
