she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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