I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
