shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
