no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
