Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
