I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
