he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
