your parents love me but you hate me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
