she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
