I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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