His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize