i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
