I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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