checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
