How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize