It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
