Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
