Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize