Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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