I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
