How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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