The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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