I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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