this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
