Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
