Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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