i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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