I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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