her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
