I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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