Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
