they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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