I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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