I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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