Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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