just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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