Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
