do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
