i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
