When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Please don't give away my fajitas
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
