When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
