The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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