I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
