This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
