mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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