I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
