I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
