I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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