i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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