Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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