I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Enjoy the penises
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
